ready to pull the covers over my head and hide until all the storms stop...
today DH got called down to see the truancy officer re: Aisy.
the rest i will try to write later.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
major trigger/blockage issue
So after this great week of feeling myself opening up and unraveling, this evening a series of events conspired to make me want to crawl back into my own closed up, silent hole.
I was already very tired this evening- very little sleep last night, ate a doughnut instead of split pea soup, was feeling haggard after Loki having a rough "special needs" kind of day, and emotional over various changes coming up. (Aisy leaving in a month, etc) Also, it's the 4th day of a very exhausting, draining period.
Anyway, my sister Tresa calls to tell me she got a message for me last night from a dr and they were my contact number. Then it sounded like she wanted to talk, but Loki was freaking out and ready for bed. I really have been wanting to connect with her since she has been so amazingly awesome and loving to me lately. The whole thing was awkward, but that is why i hate phones.
I go to look up that dr number she called about online, and as i suspected, it was some sort of scam. I got to call her back to tell her and was surprised by the odd tone in her voice when she picks up the phone and says, "hello????" Then I say hi and she says, 'did you know that your phone shows up as "Bailey, Eugene" when you call.
Inside my guts fell about 4 stories and the blackness came in. Eugene is my dad. I went to visit him last summer for the first time in 20 years or more. My sisters freaked out. he abused them very badly when they were little, and not so little. He was their step-dad. This knowledge has been this tremendous guilty burden on my shoulders all my life. He also abused me but I was quite little and I loved my daddy- I have had a ton of therapy- believe me. Anyway, he is getting older, and I have a beautiful 13 year old sister i had never met and desperately wanted to meet. I was ready to move on, look my dad in the face and know I am safe, and let my little boy meet his grandpa he might not ever get to meet again. It was a big, victorious, huge thing for me- a very brave thing. I think it was a good thing, but I am still not sure.
I came back to the reactions of my sisters, and just two months later one of my sisters was in the hospital for suicide attempt. I knew it was not my fault, but it FELT like my fault- like the trigger that unraveled her. I felt like I had to choose sides, like I was a traitor for speaking to my dad. They wanted us all to meet with a therapist but I was scared they would all gang up on me and the therapist would agree i was in the wrong.
Later i heard that they did not feel I took their abuse seriously. To say to me i don't take anything seriously enough always shocks me. I look like I am shrugging it off because I am full of so much pain that it is killing me. I am an impath- i take on the pain of others, and for some reason, I always feel such tremendous guilt.
it was hard in the months following to not end up in the hospital myself- thanks to my little boy i kept it together and just ate a lot and watched a lot of numbing HBO series at night until i was too tired to keep my eyes open.
Anyway, my husband David walked in on this phone call, and I hung up and said, "fuck." I was so upset because I felt like I ruined the good thing i had going with my sister and did not want this drama, and I got the cell phone and didn't think anyone would ever know where I got it from. Anyway, my husband wanted to be supportive to me, but I knew I was just filled with the darkness and just needed to focus on getting my son to bed.
I don't know why but I forwarded the emotional message i wrote to my sister to David. I think I was just trying to explain how I was feeling to him. Here is the message.
"I needed a phone and asked a couple months ago if he could add me to his plan b/c he offered before in the summer- i didn't think anyone would know- i want to be able to keep in touch with Irene and i don't know what i would have done the last couple months without that phone. i actually didn't know until you told me that that his name showed up. goddammit. fuck. i just want to be close to you guys and i feel like i keep fucking up.
i am so sorry for triggering you!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU and i am sorry!!!"
Then David sent this to me when I was getting Loki ready for bed with some lullabyes on pandora, "Bonnie, you shouldn't have to feel sorry and that you have to apologize. You are not your dad, period. They need to deal - I'm sorry, but they are pushing 50, and I know they have scars and issues and etc., but to keep you triangulated in such a subtly-controlling and manipulative manner is immature, and bullshit, and you know it too. They need to fucking face their shit and stop putting it onto you. It has nothing to do with you, regardless of what transferrence-tricks their psyches are pulling. If you don't say something assertive to them about all this soon, I will get involved. I'm sorry, but it's not healthy for anyone in the family. That's my 2 cents for now... :|"
So, feeling very emotional and exhausted and trying to protect Loki's sacred bedtime space at the end of a rough day, we lay in bed, and watched Goodnight Moon etc on You Tube while I tried not to feel like shit and cry. David came in very upset- said he heard someone scream in the backyard and thought it was me. I thought to myself that maybe it had just been me on the inside. lol. Anyway, he said he sent me an email that he almost sent to my dad and my sisters, and he was obviously very angry and said he had had it with it all or something to that effect and I started to feel that getting very, very small and disappearing inside myself feeling. I have a great fear of David ever getting into it with my family, and always feel in the middle, and then felt more pain and guilt for sharing anything at all and that I should just keep it to myself because it gets people all upset, and I just want someone to just listen to me sometimes- to just hear my feelings... Also I felt irritated because I was tired and trying to relax and get Loki to relax and he came into the sacred bedtime space with the anger, then I was trying to forgive him and love him for just feeling protective of me and to not be angry at him for that.
Loki fell asleep and here was the email he thankfully did not send:
"
So then I was flooded and overwelmed and realized I just needed to rest, write and establish a sense of safety for myself tonight and nuture all the feelings that came up this evening and not let all this take me down.
Guess I'll deal with the wreckage from the storm in the morning.
I was already very tired this evening- very little sleep last night, ate a doughnut instead of split pea soup, was feeling haggard after Loki having a rough "special needs" kind of day, and emotional over various changes coming up. (Aisy leaving in a month, etc) Also, it's the 4th day of a very exhausting, draining period.
Anyway, my sister Tresa calls to tell me she got a message for me last night from a dr and they were my contact number. Then it sounded like she wanted to talk, but Loki was freaking out and ready for bed. I really have been wanting to connect with her since she has been so amazingly awesome and loving to me lately. The whole thing was awkward, but that is why i hate phones.
I go to look up that dr number she called about online, and as i suspected, it was some sort of scam. I got to call her back to tell her and was surprised by the odd tone in her voice when she picks up the phone and says, "hello????" Then I say hi and she says, 'did you know that your phone shows up as "Bailey, Eugene" when you call.
Inside my guts fell about 4 stories and the blackness came in. Eugene is my dad. I went to visit him last summer for the first time in 20 years or more. My sisters freaked out. he abused them very badly when they were little, and not so little. He was their step-dad. This knowledge has been this tremendous guilty burden on my shoulders all my life. He also abused me but I was quite little and I loved my daddy- I have had a ton of therapy- believe me. Anyway, he is getting older, and I have a beautiful 13 year old sister i had never met and desperately wanted to meet. I was ready to move on, look my dad in the face and know I am safe, and let my little boy meet his grandpa he might not ever get to meet again. It was a big, victorious, huge thing for me- a very brave thing. I think it was a good thing, but I am still not sure.
I came back to the reactions of my sisters, and just two months later one of my sisters was in the hospital for suicide attempt. I knew it was not my fault, but it FELT like my fault- like the trigger that unraveled her. I felt like I had to choose sides, like I was a traitor for speaking to my dad. They wanted us all to meet with a therapist but I was scared they would all gang up on me and the therapist would agree i was in the wrong.
Later i heard that they did not feel I took their abuse seriously. To say to me i don't take anything seriously enough always shocks me. I look like I am shrugging it off because I am full of so much pain that it is killing me. I am an impath- i take on the pain of others, and for some reason, I always feel such tremendous guilt.
it was hard in the months following to not end up in the hospital myself- thanks to my little boy i kept it together and just ate a lot and watched a lot of numbing HBO series at night until i was too tired to keep my eyes open.
Anyway, my husband David walked in on this phone call, and I hung up and said, "fuck." I was so upset because I felt like I ruined the good thing i had going with my sister and did not want this drama, and I got the cell phone and didn't think anyone would ever know where I got it from. Anyway, my husband wanted to be supportive to me, but I knew I was just filled with the darkness and just needed to focus on getting my son to bed.
I don't know why but I forwarded the emotional message i wrote to my sister to David. I think I was just trying to explain how I was feeling to him. Here is the message.
"I needed a phone and asked a couple months ago if he could add me to his plan b/c he offered before in the summer- i didn't think anyone would know- i want to be able to keep in touch with Irene and i don't know what i would have done the last couple months without that phone. i actually didn't know until you told me that that his name showed up. goddammit. fuck. i just want to be close to you guys and i feel like i keep fucking up.
i am so sorry for triggering you!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU and i am sorry!!!"
Then David sent this to me when I was getting Loki ready for bed with some lullabyes on pandora, "Bonnie, you shouldn't have to feel sorry and that you have to apologize. You are not your dad, period. They need to deal - I'm sorry, but they are pushing 50, and I know they have scars and issues and etc., but to keep you triangulated in such a subtly-controlling and manipulative manner is immature, and bullshit, and you know it too. They need to fucking face their shit and stop putting it onto you. It has nothing to do with you, regardless of what transferrence-tricks their psyches are pulling. If you don't say something assertive to them about all this soon, I will get involved. I'm sorry, but it's not healthy for anyone in the family. That's my 2 cents for now... :|"
So, feeling very emotional and exhausted and trying to protect Loki's sacred bedtime space at the end of a rough day, we lay in bed, and watched Goodnight Moon etc on You Tube while I tried not to feel like shit and cry. David came in very upset- said he heard someone scream in the backyard and thought it was me. I thought to myself that maybe it had just been me on the inside. lol. Anyway, he said he sent me an email that he almost sent to my dad and my sisters, and he was obviously very angry and said he had had it with it all or something to that effect and I started to feel that getting very, very small and disappearing inside myself feeling. I have a great fear of David ever getting into it with my family, and always feel in the middle, and then felt more pain and guilt for sharing anything at all and that I should just keep it to myself because it gets people all upset, and I just want someone to just listen to me sometimes- to just hear my feelings... Also I felt irritated because I was tired and trying to relax and get Loki to relax and he came into the sacred bedtime space with the anger, then I was trying to forgive him and love him for just feeling protective of me and to not be angry at him for that.
Loki fell asleep and here was the email he thankfully did not send:
"
message that I didn't send, but I think a more gentle version of this needs to be said at some point, to everyone involved
Bonnie should not be made to feel like she needs to apologize for having a phone. Your issue with her biological father has absolutely zero to do with her and her life. When you react the way you do to her, it bleeds over and affects all of us - this is me standing up for the integrity of the boundaries of MY family, ok? NO MORE. This shit needs to be faced, dealt with, healed from, and ended. I expect not to ever again have my wife's entire evening ruined by your undealt-with psychological trauma bleeding over onto her and triggering her. Deal with your own shit in your own way and space, she and I and our family have our own shit to deal with. Am I clear here? Please, you do not want to force a shitfest with me, because I have, and will, air dirty laundry. I do not have the English restraint and propriety that you all do, nor do I really care much for it at the end of the day. Enough is enough, all of you. For fuck's sake we are adults here - it is time to heal, move on, and put these demons to rest. Or would you continue to punish others for what was wrongly done to you? Please, do not ever again in your minds associate Bonnie with her father - IT IS NOT FAIR TO HER. Grow the fuck up. You want to play at tragic drama? You have no fucking idea. Look at this shit dying world we and our children are faced with, problems of magnitude which we cannot even begin to figure out or solve, and the fact that it is our duty and responsibility to make it better for them, and the fact that we will kill ourselves trying to do that, and you know it. You think you have or had it rough? Please. Kids in Sudan, Bosnia, East Timor, Russia, China, etc. ad nauseum, have it rough. ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH OK?!?! All of you. Or would you rather have the slow-boiling torture of letting all this shit keep building - what, so we can poison the grandchildren too? PLEASE LISTEN AND LISTEN WELL: I am taking the shit of this on myself. Hate me, because I honestly do care how you think of me, and that means I can, and should, take this shit from you. Defer your secret vitriol and your secret sins and hatreds and soul-poisons off onto me, because I am built to take it; but you are not, look at yourselves, and how you backbite each other, and how I hear it, see it, and read it subtly between the very lines of your communication. So now I judge you for it, and now I take your shit from you. So PLEASE - PLEASE I BEG YOU ALL - HEAL. OK? Please. I will not have my children grow up in yet another poison atmosphere. I learned to breathe shit and look how I came out: survived, but fucked up. I do not want my children to have to go through life with that kind of undercurrent to the family psyche. So start working on it, ok??"So then I was flooded and overwelmed and realized I just needed to rest, write and establish a sense of safety for myself tonight and nuture all the feelings that came up this evening and not let all this take me down.
Guess I'll deal with the wreckage from the storm in the morning.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Day One
Have read the first 2 chapters in The Artists Way, am starting my "morning pages" which I will do in the evening, and purchased some water colors!!! Also made a list of the "tasks" from the first week to work on. More soon.
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